But if I say, “I will not mention him or speak any more in his name,” his word is in my heart like a fire, a fire shut up in my bones.
I am weary of holding it in; indeed, I cannot.
It’s strange to be actively ignoring what you feel to be the source of your creativity and very life. It’s the reason I registered for FAWM almost a month ago and have yet to even attempt writing a song. It’s the reason I’ve blogged very little over the past few weeks. It’s the reason I’ve been able to do very little actual work when I’m at work lately. It’s a lame excuse, but I’m sticking by it for now.
I suppose some explanation is in order. Sadly, there’s no appropriate Tom Petty song that springs to mind right now to help explain things.
When last we left the adoption story, we had come to the conclusion that China wasn’t going to happen, and had contacted our adoption agency about their Ethiopia program. They were going to find out if we were eligible and get back to us. In the meantime, we both got sick (and are still fighting a cough that won’t go away) and kind of let things get away from us. A few weeks later, we still hadn’t heard from the agency, so we emailed them yet again to get an update.
Apparently, we’re not eligible for any of their programs now, since none of their countries accept adoptive couples where at least one parent is on antidepressant medication. This, along with our sub-$80,000 net worth and a few other things, had been the deal-breaker for China.
So, it may be possible for us to adopt, but not from either of the two countries we felt any sort of calling to. And not through the agency we really liked. We’re now faced with the thought that maybe none of this was divinely motivated at all. Maybe we just spiritualized our own longings for a family. Perhaps this whole ordeal has been of our own doing.
Ultimately, I think we both know everything will be OK. It’s not a death sentence, it doesn’t mean we can’t get a child some other way. It’s hard, though, spending almost two years with a specific vision of your future, only to have to let it go because of some foreign government’s rule. And for that, it’s been hard to have anything to do with God lately. I know eventually it will pass, and neither one of us can really give up what we believe in – like the passage from Jeremiah I quoted above, I often feel like I wish I could give in and just follow Richard Dawkins or something, but something within keeps me coming back to what I know as the source.
So I remain between worlds. Not quite ready to give it all up, but not ready to let go and fall back into the arms of divine providence yet.
most nights were crystal clear but tonite its like it’s stuck between stations…
- The Hold Steady, “Stuck Between Stations“
I don’t know if you were exaggerating or not, but being a family of 2 (3 including the adopted girl) you only need to make 30,000 a year not 80,000 I think you should look into Great Wall China adoption agency. Drop me a line and maybe God will lead us somewhere….
boy it’s late for me and I ripped open a gash in my foot. I misread.. yeah that’s the sucky thing about china.. 80,000 in assets.