I was watching the Tony awards last night hoping to catch a glimpse of Avenue Q (a musical that’s kinda like Sesame Street as filtered through a South Park sensibility), when I came up with the ultimate reality television challenge.
Why was I watching television that made me long for testosterone-driven entertainment like the Lifetime Movie Newtwork? Well, ya see, my friends and I have adopted a new policy of watching televised awards shows whenever possible, if only to make fun of all the self-mythologizing that goes on at these things. We attempted to make light of the Tonys last night, and ended up beating a hasty retreat to a Malcolm In The Middle rerun for fear of losing what was left of the frayed ends of our own sanity.
I know that award acceptance speeches have a tendency to ramble on and on, but it seems something about Broadway brings out the long-windedness in everyone. My friends kept calling for them to bring out the cane and drag the winners away, a la cartoon vaudeville sketches.
Thus was my idea born.
It seems like a little bit of “reality” is needed to liven up these award shows. Since lascivious shock tactics have already been overplayed, what’s needed is an element of surprise. An element of danger.
I hereby propopse all award shows, starting now, be outfitted with a line of professional snipers at the back of the stage. If anyone’s acceptance speech goes beyond 30 seconds, it’s open season. My friends John and Jennie also suggested hungry lions. It could also open up a whole new viewing segment for these shows, and thus, new advertising dollars (“The Tony awards…brought to you by…Soldier of Fortune Magazine!”).
Les Moonves, if you’re reading this, call me.